


Only the very best

by ashdorado



Category: The Young and the Restless
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-02-15 07:40:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13026360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashdorado/pseuds/ashdorado
Summary: Mariah just stands there for a second, before turning back and making her way to the front door. Tessa rushes after her, and Mariah flinches when Tessa tries to stop her, one gentle hand on her shoulder, frozen and pink from the cold.“What do you want?” Mariah asks.Or Tessa tries to make amends after the total fiasco at GC Buzz.CHAPTER 3 IS UP!





	1. Tessa

After the debacle at GC-Buzz, they don’t see or talk to each other for two weeks.

Tessa initially tells herself that it’s a matter of circumstance. She has been busy recording new songs for her EP at the studio, busy Christmas-shopping for the whole Newman tribe, busy putting on a happy face in the presence of Noah - or even Devon. She reasons that the festive season is a bad time for everyone and that, for all intents and purposes, Mariah is probably just _doing her thing_ , too.

But then Tessa knows she fucked up that day. _Badly_. For the first time since she’s known Mariah, she thinks that maybe things have gone too far; to a place beyond repair. Tessa knew that Mariah had been avoiding her since Halloween anyway, but this time around was arguably worse than before.

For some reason, Hilary invites her and Devon to GC-Buzz’s Christmas party. Mariah doesn’t even stay long enough to say hi and Tessa, guiltily, can’t help but think that it is her fault. Hilary and Devon eye her suspiciously when she asks them if Mariah is okay.

“Isn’t she supposed to be _your_ BFF?” Hilary asks her, sporting a smile that Tessa would like to slap off her face.

Tessa smiles as genuinely as she can manage, unfurrows her brow so it seems convincing. “She is. We just haven’t had time to catch up recently.” She can tell that neither Devon nor Hilary seem to buy into her lie, but she is glad they don’t push further.

The longer Tessa goes without hearing anything from Mariah, the more restless she grows; by the following week, she’s almost shaking with nervous energy. She knows she should be the one to contact Mariah first, but somehow she doesn’t think she’d be well received… She tries calling her on her cell-phone first. If she could just speak to her, just  _explain herself_ , it would all be  _okay_ , she thinks. But when she doesn’t answer after countless texts and a few cringy messages left on her voicemail, Tessa figures that perhaps Mariah needs some space instead. Thinks that it must be what she wants, that this is all good – this distance between them. She almost calls her at work one day, but thinks better of it.

She gives it another week before she cracks and goes to see Sharon at Crimson Lights. She tries to be subtle when she asks how Mariah is, what she has been up to recently, if she’s been particularly busy… If Sharon knows what’s happening between them, she doesn’t really let it show: “Mariah is fine, yes. She’s been pretty busy with work recently, I think. You know how Hilary can be… Can I get you anything?” She orders a coffee for good measures and leaves the café feeling even more dejected. She wonders if perhaps she has ruined everything.

She’s grateful that no one seems to want to pry into the reasons behind her and Mariah’s sudden falling out. Even Noah seems to have dropped his accidental match-making for now. Even – perhaps especially – given present circumstances, she feels protective of Mariah and wants to shield her from the opinions of Genoa City. She knows, intellectually, that Mariah is a big girl and doesn’t need Tessa to protect her from anyone, but it doesn’t prevent her from feeling responsible for everything that might or might not be happening to her.

At night especially, Tessa thinks a lot about Mariah; about what they shared together, what they have been through. When sleep doesn’t come, she sneaks out of the bedroom to write songs. She writes about many things, though most nights the specter of Mariah seems to haunt her, flashing images of longing looks shared over a glass of wine, laughter and coy smiles, hazel eyes and red hair behind her eyelids.

It’s almost Christmas then, and Tessa has exhausted all possible scenarios on how to reach out to Mariah when she decides to just drop by the ranch. She hopes that Mariah is home, that Sharon or even Faith aren’t; hopes to salvage what little is left of their relationship.

//

It’s getting dark when she gets there. The lights are off and the house is plunged into darkness; she assumes that no one is in. She feels slightly ridiculous for being parked outside the house and having to wait in the dark like a stalker. Of course, in the romantic movies from her childhood, the hero never had to wait outside the heroine’s home for hours on end, but this is not a movie, and especially not a fairytale. She chastises herself for not fixing the heating in the second-hand car she purchased recently with one of her first paychecks. She rubs her hands together and blows on them to keep the cold at bay, and hopes that someone comes home before she freezes to death in her little Fiat Panda.

Tessa wonders if she should have called ahead, but reasons Mariah would probably have ignored her like she ignored all her other calls and texts. This way at least, she’s guaranteed to catch a glimpse of her; can just see if Mariah is okay, even if she only slams the door closed in Tessa's face.

A car pulls up in the driveway some 20 minutes later. She cranes her neck and recognizes Mariah’s car. She sees Mariah get out of the car, before approaching hers carefully. Tessa pushes her door open and steps out of the car more as quickly as possible; feels her joints throb in protest. She needs to head back to the gym…

Mariah just stands there for a second, before turning back and making her way to the front door. Tessa rushes after her, and Mariah flinches when Tessa tries to stop her, one gentle hand on her shoulder, frozen and pink from the cold.

“What do you want?” Mariah asks; she sounds so tired, so beat down and exhausted that Tessa suddenly can’t bear to bother her.

“I just- I just wanted to see if you were okay.”

“Well, I am. So you can leave now.” Mariah starts to retreat again and Tessa feels her stomach drop.

“No, wait. I wanted to explain. And to apologize. For that day at GC Buzz. I was a bitch and that was so uncalled for, and I’m so sorry.”

Tessa feels a bit pathetic as the words rush out of her mouth, tumbling over each other. She knows she sounds desperate, and the shivers rattling through her body from the cold don’t exactly help matters either. Mariah says nothing, until she does.

“Did you drive all the way just to tell me this?”

Tessa shrugs and wraps her arms around herself, shivering. “It’s not that far.”

Mariah scoffs and shakes her head in disbelief, and suddenly Tessa is scared that she is making things worse for herself.

“Can I- Do you mind if I come in? I won’t stay long, I promise. I don’t want to bother you, I just- wanna talk.”

Mariah just sighs, deeply. They both stay there frozen for a moment, before Mariah looks away and climbs up the stairs on the porch. In the absence of an objection, Tessa takes it as her cue to follow her inside.

//

Mariah doesn’t spare one glance at Tessa as she shrugs off her coat and drops her bag in the entrance. Tessa remains standing there behind her, not daring to undress or go down the stairs leading to the living area. She feels her confidence wavering momentarily, acutely uncomfortable in the knowledge that she has no right to be here.

“Sharon and Scott will be home soon,” Tessa arches an eyebrow at the mention of Scott; wonders if he is living there now. She thinks that a few months prior, she would have been the first person Mariah would have told. “So whatever you have to say, please. Just- get on with it.”

She should have expected Mariah to remain cold and distant; the blow doesn’t hurt any less, though.

 “I don’t know if-” Tessa hesitates. “Maybe it’s a bad time, I shouldn’t have come, really, I just…”

 _Miss you_ , she thinks but doesn’t dare say.

Mariah sighs heavily again and closes her eyes briefly. She walks the small distance towards the dining table and turns back towards her, her arms crossed against her middle as if a shield, curling in on herself. “Why are you here, Tessa?”

“I wanted to apologize. For the other day at GC Buzz.” Tessa starts, a slight tremble in her voice as she slowly makes her way closer to Mariah. She said that already, didn’t she? “I should have never accused you of ratting me out. It was unfair…”

Mariah stares at her, shows no intention of jumping in.

“You’ve always been there for me, always kept my secrets. You’ve always been so good and trustworthy, and I don’t know- I thought… For a brief moment I thought maybe things had changed and that was your way of- hurting me, like I hurt you.”

Mariah looks her dead in the eye then, steely and unwavering, and Tessa has to look away. Can’t stand for Mariah to look at her like that, in a way she never has before.

“So what? Because you don’t… reciprocate my feelings, you thought I would just start… what, being a bitch to you? Start repeating all the things you told me in confidence, because you trusted me as a friend? How petty do you think I am?!”

Mariah is seething now. _Of course_ she is. What was she thinking, that was a stupid thing to say. Tessa feels so out of her element in front of this Mariah she doesn’t recognize. The fact that _she_ was the one to provoke this change in Mariah... Heart in her throat, she soldiers on:

“I…I never said that.”

“Said what?”

“The feelings part. That…that I don’t reciprocate.”

Mariah scoffs at that. She waits a moment, as if waiting for Tessa to retract what she just said; she doesn’t. “Are you for real right now?”

“Yes I am! This…it’s not what this is about!”

“Then what is it about, Tessa?”

She takes a deep breath, and starts again: “I’ve told you already. It’s about… my past and the things- the things I’ve had to deal with.” The answer sounds weak even to her own ears, but it’s really the only reason she can safely give Mariah at this time.

“How do you expect me to believe that?! That you like me yet you’re dating Noah, but it’s all because of whatever this is you’ve done a million years ago?!”

“It’s the truth, though. You have to trust me on this.”

“How do you want me to trust you?!” she says with a shake of her head, eyes welling up. “I barely know who you are anymore! It’s-”

“Please, don’t say that…” Tessa can’t help but interrupt, suddenly desperate for Mariah to not think so badly of her.

“It’s the truth, Tessa. I thought I knew you, and _you_ knew me, maybe like _no one_ has ever known me. I’ve confided in you with so many things, and I thought you had, too, but as it happens I don’t know anything about you! You said it yourself!”

“You don’t know… _all_ of me. But what we shared, what I told you as we became friends all these months, it was all true. It was all _me_. This is _still_ who I am.” Tessa says pleadingly, voice caught up in her throat.

The silence stretches between them and Tessa senses that her time is running low. Mariah looks down, then; takes a moment to gather her thoughts.

“Anyway, I still don’t know why you felt the need to come and tell me this. All over again. I think I got it the first time around.”

“No you didn’t! You think I lied to you that night!” she argues.

“Well, it doesn’t really matter either way, so…”

“It matters to me! I don’t want you to think that I don’t – have feelings for you, because I do!” Tessa wonders if she should stop talking; if she’s going too far, being too selfish.

“You are with Noah! Why are you telling me this?!”

“Because it’s true!”

“Why are you even with him then?”

The silence stretches again. Mariah looks at her intently, waiting for an answer Tessa cannot give her. Not yet anyway.

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Right.” Mariah nods, like she expected nothing more from Tessa. Pensive, she hesitates before she adds: “You know he is my brother, right? You know it sounds like you’re playing with him? And if it didn’t make me look like the jealous, petty sister to Sharon, it’d be expected of me to…say something?”

Tessa does a double take at this. “Sharon knows?”

“Yes, Sharon knows…”

“What-wh- why did you tell her?” Tessa can’t help the panic she feels bubbling in her throat.

Mariah scoffs. “Because she is my mom? And because she could see right through me? Could see how miserable I was because the only person I’ve ever loved just wants to be friends?”

“You love me?” It all makes sense to her in that moment. Tessa suddenly feels as though she’s having some sort of revelatory experience. Mariah is in love with her. Of course she is. How could she have been so stupid and let this happen? She still remembers first seeing Mariah at the Underground and outside Park café back in the spring. She remembers feeling inexplicably drawn to her; to her jovial, funny, caring personality. To her good looks, too. She vividly remembers that warm night of July where she comforted Mariah over Devon, holding her, kissing her hair and caressing her back as they sipped red wine on Sharon’s couch. Remembers the morning after, when she would have kissed her if it wasn’t for Noah and Devon knocking on the door a moment later. Would things be different now if they had?

Tessa doesn’t know how long she got stuck in her thoughts when she hears Mariah say: “I think you should leave.”

Tessa needs to know, though. “It’s true? You’re in love with me?”

A tear rolls down Mariah’s face. Then two. She wipes them up quickly, looking away.

“Does it matter?” She whispers, so softly that Tessa barely hears her.

Tessa feels some energy rising through her, and she knows in that instant that she needs to say something, to do something.

“Honestly, Tessa, just go. Sharon and Scott will be back anytime now. I don’t want them to see you here.”

“I love you, too.” There, she said it.

“Please, don’t make this harder than it already is.” Mariah’s voice is swallowed in a sob, and Tessa cannot stand to see her like this any longer, so she does something desperate. Something selfish, and wrong on so many levels; but something right, too.

Tessa kisses Mariah.

Mariah freezes against her, but she doesn’t pull away. Tessa kisses her once, twice, soft but urgent, her hands cradling Mariah’s face gently. She can taste tears on her lips, isn’t sure if they’re Mariah’s or her own.

Tessa pulls back, only just so, so she can see Mariah’s face. They look at each other through heavy eyelids, their breaths shaky. Tessa’s hands hover over Mariah’s face, barely touching her, waiting to decide whether to go back or to let go.

Tessa starts to realize what she just did and thinks – knows – that this was probably a mistake. But then she feels Mariah’s hand on her waist, _feels_ her more than sees her lean in, her other hand reaching behind Tessa’s neck and pulling her close.

Their lips reconnect and Tessa gives back as much as she gets. She grabs Mariah’s hips then, pulls her close while pushing her against the dining table. Tessa opens her mouth and Mariah follows suit, dares to lick Mariah’s lips, to lick into her mouth, as Mariah just tightens her grip on the back of her neck.

Tessa loses herself into the kiss, focuses on the way Mariah’s lips and tongue feel against her, the way her body, her _skin_ feels under her palms. She tries to save it all in; to remember, for later. The dip of her waist, the scent of her perfume, the way their breasts feel pressed against each other.

Tessa doesn’t know how long it lasts, seconds or minutes. They pull away with heaving chests, lips still so close they almost brush. Tessa wishes she could stay there for hours and take the time to revel in what just happened. But she can't.

“I’m so sorry. For everything,” Tessa whispers finally, leaving one last, chaste kiss on Mariah’s lips.

She squeezes Mariah’s hand once before turning away. She doesn’t dare to look at Mariah; _cannot_ look at her. She feels her own eyes well up again with unshed tears as she makes her way to the door. She pauses momentarily before letting herself out, the door closing shut behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just needed to write something about these two because I just love them so much :')


	2. Mariah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in the end, this is NOT a one-shot and the fic will be 3 chapters long! Hopefully you'll enjoy the ride! I have to warn you that this is a fairly ANGSTY chapter, but I don't like angst for the sake of angst and I do plan on making our girls happy in the end!
> 
> Also, I hope you don't mind tropes because OH BOY... you've got a big one coming. But then again I'm writing for a SOAP so I feel this is totally fair... haha.

Mariah’s first reaction, when Tessa leaves, is to cry. She starts sobbing, right there against the dining table; harder than she has done in weeks. Both hands gripping the table behind her, she lets herself _feel_ what she has been trying to keep at bay, locked away in a part of her brain. She feels her chest ache, her throat constricting. Here, alone, she allows it. Allows herself to cry, tears racing down her cheeks and neck.

She just feels so tired - exhausted - from the pain she seems to be feeling nearly every minute of every day. Tired that, in spite of everything, she still has to pretend. _Constantly._ Pretend she isn’t so god damn sad all the time. Pretend that she is getting better, that she is moving on. _She isn’t_.

The initial sadness doesn’t last, though.

Soon, Mariah feels angry. She is _furious_ . How dare Tessa walk into her life out of the blue, tell her she loves her right back yet can’t be with her because of reasons she cannot disclose? Yes, Mariah is fuming and tired of Tessa’s constant mind games. All she wants now is for Tessa to just leave her _the fuck_ alone. Mariah doesn’t want to be Tessa’s second choice. She decides she is done giving her the time of the day.

She starts deleting all the pictures of her - of _them -_ she still has on her phone. Every single one of them. She knows she has them saved on a cloud somewhere as well, and that technically she is cheating a little, but it still feels like progress. She deletes their recent texts, her number, their conversations from her social media accounts.

She gets a text from an unknown number one day. Doesn’t need to think too long before she knows exactly whom it is from. Tessa.

_[I’m really sorry about the other day. I realise that was very selfish of me and you don’t deserve this. I don’t even know what to say except that I’m so sorry, truly. I just needed you to know.]_

Mariah deletes the text as soon as she finishes reading it.

Another one comes ten minutes later. _[I know you probably think the worst of me and don’t want to have anything to do with me, but if you ever need anything I’m here. I’ll always be here. x]_

Mariah’s anger falters for a moment as she reads the message, and reads it again. And _again_. Her thumb hovers a few seconds over the “delete” button. She cannot find it in herself to press it.

//

Christmas comes along a few days later.

It ends up being a rather small affair for most of the day, and she’s glad for it. On Christmas morning, it’s just her, Sharon and Scott, who are too busy being grossly in love to really notice the lack of festive spirit in her. She gets a book on journalism from Scott and and a plaid shirt from Sharon. She isn’t sure whether there’s a subliminal message in her mother’s gift...

Nick drops by early in the afternoon with Faith, so she can open and collect her presents from her mom and sister. Mariah plays with a bunch of _my little pony_ toys with Faith for quite a while, too happy to leave Sharon, Scott and Nick to their awkward attempt at small talk and festive conversation. From where Mariah is sitting on the floor, surrounding by tiny pink and blue plastic ponies, she can see Scott and Nick silently shooting daggers at each other next to an apparently oblivious Sharon.

Nick and Faith have barely been gone five minutes when Sharon gets a call from Noah, telling her he and Tessa would drop by in a bit to say _Merry Christmas_ . Mariah knows what’s coming and braces herself. She can do it, she thinks. Definitely. She can just be polite and avoid any one-on-one with _she-who-must-not-be-named_ and it will all go perfectly.

Tessa and Noah are sporting ugly christmas sweaters. It makes her smile for a second before she notices they are matching sweaters. She manages to busy herself with some cups when they all start greeting each other, and Tessa must understand her motives because she doesn’t even try to get a hug from Mariah.

Mariah is handling it all pretty well, she thinks. She mostly nods along to the conversation, innocuously asks Noah about his new job. She cannot quite look him in the eye as her answers her though, the memory of Tessa pressed against her nearly on top of the dining table still too vivid in her mind.

“By the way, we didn’t come empty-handed. Here,” Noah hands her two packages, neatly wrapped with ribbons. “This one is from Tessa and I, and the second one is from Tessa only. She insisted.”

Mariah smiles, her throat constricted. She looks up at Tessa who is looking at her expectantly. She avoids her eyes promptly.

“I- I’m sorry I didn’t get you anything,” she tells Tessa, “I feel like an asshole.”

She is lying. She _did_ get something for Tessa. Ages ago. But it’s been long forgotten at the back of her closet and she hasn’t even thought about it since. Is that a metaphor for her and Tessa’s relationship, she wonders.

“It’s fine, it’s nothing, really. You’ll see,” Tessa tells her then. She is smiling but it doesn’t reach her eyes. Mariah dares to look at her for another second and she can see it there, in her eyes, the same pain that Mariah feels. She decides to not to pity her. Tessa brought this on herself.

She isn’t surprised to find a bottle of her favourite perfume as she opens the first present, being Noah’s gift of choice. They’ve agreed years ago that it is a safe choice that will always be appreciated.  Her hearts races as she opens Tessa’s present though. She frowns a little as she tears the wrapper off to  find a record of a group called _Cocktail Slippers._

“Remember that Norwegian Punk Band you wanted to check out in San-Fran? Well, that was them.” Tessa tells her, sensing Mariah’s confusion.

Mariah goes blank then. She doesn’t know what to say. Her brain races back to that hotel room in San Francisco, to the festival, to a time that was arguably one of the best of her life.

“Wow. Thanks. That’s…”

She looks up at Tessa, wonders why exactly she thought it was a good idea to get her this record; wonders again what kind of fucked up mindgame Tessa is playing with her.

“That’s really cool. I’ll check them out.” She tries as much as she can to sound genuine, at least for Noah’s sake who is still standing right there.

They leave not long after. This time she cannot find a way to escape saying goodbye, so when she is faced with Tessa she decides to just go for it and get it over with. She goes for a brief, non-committal hug but then Tessa wraps her arms around her and she finds herself locked in a soft prison of Tessa-scented hell. She takes a deep breath, then another; tries to lock away any thought, good or bad; tries to just forget where she is. She fails.

She feels Tessa’s hand cradle the back of her head, the very same way she’s always hugged her, seemingly with everything she has. She knows future-Mariah will hate herself for it, but present-Mariah is weak and so she just closes her eyes and hugs her right back, strengthening her grip on Tessa’s body. She revels in the instant, breathes her in and she feels Tessa hug her even tighter.

The moment is over as fast as it started, and Mariah looks up and blink furiously to stop her eyes from watering. Do. not. cry, she tells herself like a mantra. They untangle without looking back at each other, and soon both Tessa and Noah are waving at them and making their way out. Mariah collects herself for a second, meets Sharon’s gaze, soft and understanding.

Once in the safety of her bedroom that night, she opens her closet looking for it, Tessa’s present. She keeps looking for almost half an hour, convinced she had put it there. She eventually gives up; thinks maybe it’s a sign.

//

On New Year’s eve, Mariah is in Portland with Kevin and some of his friends. She couldn’t stand to stay in Genoah City. She drinks that night, maybe too much.

A bit after midnight, her phone starts buzzing frantically with incoming calls and texts from just about everyone she seems to know. She even gets a message from Hilary. A few hours later, as she is about to head upstairs for the night, she notices a new message from Tessa. She hesitates before opening it.

_[Happy New Year Mariah. I wish you all the best for 2018. I mean it. You deserve it and so much more. I know we’re not exactly friends anymore, but I just wanted to say that I’m grateful for 2017. I’m grateful because last year I turned my life around and also because I met you, the best friend I’ve ever had. Whatever happens now, I’ll always cherish what we had. Please take care of yourself. Love, T]_

Maybe she is too drunk to be mad, but somehow she just isn’t. She mostly feels bittersweet. Maybe she’s finally moving on, or maybe she’ll be just as mad in the morning, when her head throbs and her stomach heaves.

On an impulse, she decides to answer Tessa.

 _[you too. happy new year. x M]_.

Tears pool into her eyes as she sends it, feeling very much like a peace offering, a surrender, and a final goodbye.

//

In the next few days, Tessa texts her again, but Mariah is determined not to answer. Eventually, Tessa stops; she feels relieved and disappointed all at once.

//

Mariah is watching old reruns of grey’s anatomy on TV when she hears Sharon answer her phone behind her.

“Noah, slow down. Wait- what?”

Mariah’s attention is caught and she looks at Sharon over her shoulder. She sees her mom’s face go from concerned to livid. Mariah’s heartbeat picks up in her throat.

“Ok, where are you now- which hospital?”

Mariah properly turns over then, breath caught in her lungs. She finds herself silently praying. _Please. Not her._

When Sharon disconnects the call and looks at Mariah, _she knows_. Mariah is on her feet faster that she thought was possible.

“What happened?” She hears herself ask, like she is outside her own body. _It can’t be bad. It can’t be that bad. Please._

“It’s Tessa. She’s been in an accident.”

The words echo through Mariah like a ripple effect. She feels numb, like on auto-pilot.

“How is she?”

“They don’t know yet. She- she is being operated on right now.”

The drive to the hospital is silent. Out of the corner of her eyes, Mariah can see, can _feel_ Sharon looking at her in worry.

 _Please. Please._ Mariah repeats to herself, silently.

//

They find Noah sitting on a chair in a waiting area. He bursts into tears as soon as he sees them. She’s out of surgery, he says. _She is fine_. Mariah lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. They hug tightly and still she feels numb, like she isn’t really there.

A car crash, he explains, as they sit down with a cup of that terrible coffee only hospitals seem to somehow provide. The paramedics had told him she’d skidded on a patch of ice and straight into a tree on the side of the road. Could have happened to anyone, they said. No one’s fault.

Mariah imagines the scene briefly, though she doesn’t really want to. She sees Tessa’s black car in pieces, shattered glass everywhere. She sees her unconscious with blood streaming in rivulets down her face. She closes her eyes and breathes heavily. In and out. In and out. _She’s fine_.

“You can go if you want, it’s late. I’ll be fine now,” Noah tells them some time later, once things have quieted down.

“I’m staying.” It’s out of Mariah’s mouth before she can even think about it. It feels like the first thing she’s said in forever.

“I’m staying a while longer, too. I’m needed here more than at home,” Sharon says, squeezing both of her children’s knees.

They stay where they are for quite some time, neither of them really knowing what time it is or how long they’ve been there. Neons light up the room with an unnatural and harsh glow. Mariah isn’t sure if it’s already the next day; feels like it’s irrelevant. She checks up her phone anyway. 2:12am.

“I don’t know if they’ll let us see her tonight,” Noah says.

Mariah looks up. He is coming back with yet another cup of coffee. “You want one?”

Mariah shakes her head. She doesn’t think she can stomach anything else right now.

Eventually a nurse comes to talk to them and Mariah is pretty sure she will just tell them to go home and come back the next day. Instead, she tells them they can see her, two at a time only.

“You go,” Sharon tells them.

“No, just... go with Noah. I’ll go afterwards.”

“Are you sure?” Mariah just nods. She doesn’t feel ready. She is not sure how she’ll react, seeing her lying there in a hospital bed, all bruised up. She also doesn’t feel capable of going through it all while standing right next to Noah.

She waits alone for a while, restless. She knows it’s probably been barely more than five minutes, but it feels like it has been an eternity when she sees her mom and brother come out of the room at the end of the corridor. She walks in their direction.

“How is she? Is she awake?”

“No, she’s down still,” Noah says. “She must be drugged up right now. She looks pretty roughed up.”

“Ok.”

Sharon squeezes her shoulder before she and Noah head back towards the waiting room.

Mariah stops in her track as she grips the door handle, staying still for a few seconds. She takes a deep breath. _This is it_.

The room is fairly dark as she steps in, and Mariah first notices the slow and steady _beep_ from the monitor on the left side of the bed. Then Mariah’s eyes lay on Tessa.

All she can see is blood. It seems to be everywhere, caked in her hair, drying in flakes on the side of her face and her neck. A deep shade of reddish brown.

Mariah takes a step closer, feels as though she’s watching herself from a great distance, like she is outside her own body. With wobbly legs that feel like cotton, she seats down on the plastic chair by the side of the bed, her hands shaky. She extends one hand towards Tessa, goes to touch her in a futile gesture of comfort but cannot quite do it. She stares at Tessa’s face, her naturally pale complexion now sporting shades of blue and dark purple.

“Oh, Tessa.” she lets out, voice breaking. The numbness she previously felt is gone as she feels hot tears start streaming down her face, unrelenting.

She takes Tessa’s hand in hers, then; clutches onto it like a lifeline. It’s warm against hers and Mariah revels in the fact that Tessa is fine; _she is fine_ . She is right there, bruised but warm; _alive_.

Mariah raises their joined hands and bring them to her mouth, as she closes her eyes. She kisses the back of Tessa’s hand, soft against her lips.

“You need to stop doing this to me,” she tells Tessa. She knows she probably cannot hear her, that she probably won’t ever remember this conversation. Maybe that’s kind of the point.

“I need a break, honestly.” She smiles, doesn’t know how she finds the strength to joke about it, but she does. “I’ve cried enough as it is.”

Tessa looks peaceful as she sleeps. Mariah hopes that she isn’t in pain. She doesn’t look like she is. She studies her face quietly. She hasn’t seen it _\- really seen it -_ in a long time. She memorizes it. The shape of an eyebrow, of a nose. The curve of a cheekbone. Then Mariah stares at her lips. She remembers her lips, feels like she could picture them with her eyes closed.

She drops a kiss on Tessa’s palm, slowly, before raising Tessa’s hand against her cheek.

She stays there for a while, doesn’t want to leave. Not yet.

She is about the pass out from exhaustion, right on the side of the bed, holding Tessa’s hand, when a nurse tells her that time is up. She stands up, reluctantly untangles her hand from Tessa’s and goes back to the waiting room. Sharon and Noah are still there, looking as tired as she is.

They all decide to go home; there’s no point staying there when Tessa is not awake, they reason. Plus, they all need to rest a bit. Noah needs to be at work early in the morning, so Mariah convinces him not to worry about it, she can come back and check on Tessa so she won’t be alone too long. Truth be told, Mariah can’t stand the thought of Tessa waking up alone, disoriented and in pain in that empty hospital room. Grudges be damned. She may or may not have to bribe Hilary to get her morning off, but she knows she can do it. Hillary can fire her anyway, for all she cares about her job right now...

//

Mariah is back as soon as visitors are allowed the next morning. She is barely more rested than the day before, but at least she had time to get proper coffee on her way to the hospital this time.

When she enters the room, Tessa looks exactly the same, though her face has gone back to a healthier pink hue and the colours of her bruises have evolved, too. She notices part of the blood on her neck and the side of her face is gone, probably washed away by one of the nurses. She seats down on the chair next to the bed, mirrors her position from the night before, one of Tessa’s hands tucked firmly in her own.

She is not sure how long she has the right to be there, just hanging out in her bedroom. Nurses come and go every hour to check on Tessa’s vitals, take a look at the IV stuck to the back of her hand… They don’t say much to Mariah. They just smile empathically at her when their eyes meet, and Mariah just smiles back.

“Do you know when she might wake up?” Mariah ends up asking one nurse - a young one with thick black hair and a friendly face - after a few hours.

“With patients who’ve gone through that kind of trauma it can sometimes take a few days. But it could be any time now, too. There’s no way to tell, really.”

“Ok, thanks.”

The nurse finishes readjusting Tessa’s IV. “She is very lucky to have you,” she says, her voice warm and soothing.

Mariah smiles awkwardly, not sure what to say.

“You two are very cute together.”

“Oh, we-we’re not…” Mariah doesn’t have time to finish as the nurse is already out the door.

Mariah looks at their entwined hands, swallows, then reluctantly retracts her finger to tuck her hands between her own thighs instead.

//

Mariah becomes vaguely aware of a weak but insistent poking on her arm. For a split second, she thinks she’s in her bed back at the ranch. She tries to drag herself from the depths of sleep, and almost doesn’t manage it, until she becomes aware of the steady beeping of the monitor. She suddenly remembers exactly where she is.

Her head jerks up, and she can feel the tense pull in her neck from sleeping bent over a bed instead of actually in it. She looks down to see Tessa’s hand grasping at her arm, previously folded underneath her head as she slept.

She dares a glance at Tessa’s face, and almost cries in relief when she sees that her eyes are open and looking right back at her.

“Hi,” Tessa says softly, her voice hoarse from sleep and the operation.

“Hi,” Mariah answers. Forgetting herself momentarily, she smiles. A smile both bright and genuine.

Mariah’s hand instinctively reaches out for Tessa’s again, and Tessa smiles back just as wide, despite the evident pain written on her face. Mariah’s heart leaps in her chest at the view.

“What happened?” Tessa asks then.

“You don’t remember?”

Tessa shakes her head; winces at the movement straight away. “Not really. I was going home. I was driving, I think?”

“You had an accident. You drove over a patch of ice or something, lost control of your car and drove straight into a tree.” Mariah shouldn’t be smiling, especially when delivering that kind of news, but she just can’t help it.

“Ouch.” Tessa says, humorously. Mariah chuckles.

“Nothing broken, though. Quite miraculous, actually.”

They stare at each other silently for a while. The sight of an awake Tessa fills Mariah with so much joy and relief that she forgets about everything else, even if just for now.

“You really scared me. You scared us all,” she adds eventually. Tessa just squeezes Mariah’s hand in answer, her gaze never wavering.

The silence stretches between them again, and slowly reality starts slipping through. Mariah lowers her eyes to their joint hands, feels like maybe -surely- it’s not her place be here.

Tessa must sense the shift because her features become more somber, too. The more the seconds tick by, the louder the _beeps_ seem and the warmer the room gets. Mariah slowly withdraws her hand and Tessa’s pained eyes seem to burn a hole through the side of her head.

“You came to see me,” Tessa says eventually.

“Of course I came,” Mariah almost hisses. Does Tessa really think Mariah wouldn’t give a shit that she almost killed herself on the side of a road? She chastises herself internally for being so short. This is not about _her_ , right now.

“Of course I came,” she repeats, softer this time. “I was worried about you.”

Tessa looks at her for a moment, her eyes sad. She smiles, then.

“Noah called Sharon last night and we went straight to the hospital. They both had to work this morning though, so I said I’d come to check up on you.”

“Oh. Ok.”

Mariah thinks Tessa thinks she just implied that she is only here out of duty. She doesn’t correct her. She doesn’t need to know.

The euphoria is almost all gone now, and suddenly Mariah isn’t sure what to do with herself. She has absolutely no idea what to say either. She stares down at her knees, feels the silence warp and stretch and become grotesque, and thinks about how easily they used to communicate - before. Realises that she misses it. Somehow it was easier, dealing with an asleep Tessa. Should she leave? Maybe she should leave.

“So, erm…” Mariah stands, “I’m happy you’re ok, and… I guess I should go and call the others… tell them you’re awake and all that.”

She’s about to leave when Tessa stops her.

“Please don’t go yet.” It’s Tessa’s time to reach out for Mariah’s hand this time; her heart picks up in her chest. “I missed you,” Tessa adds barely above a whisper.

Mariah doesn’t say it back. She doesn’t say _‘I missed you too. I miss you so much, all the time. How dare you almost die. How dare you remind me how much I care about you. Remind me I love you.’_ but she thinks it, and worries that it shows.

Not trusting her own voice, Mariah looks down again and intertwine their fingers. She feels Tessa squeeze them. She squeezes right back.

Now perched on the side of the bed, Mariah shuffles a little and clears her throat, uncomfortable.

“I didn’t even ask you… how do you feel?”

“Like crap.” Tessa says, though she is smiling.

“I’m sorry, should I call someone? Maybe they can give you something stro-”

“No, I’m okay, just- please stay.”

“I wasn’t going to sneak out on you…”

“Weren’t you?”

“No.” Mariah can’t quite bring herself to look at Tessa.

“What about you? How have you been?”

Mariah contains a chuckle. _Just peachy_ , she thinks but doesn’t say.

“Well, you know…” she carefully avoids answering. Tessa must know, how she’s been. She isn’t sure why she is even asking. Tessa just squeezes her hand again and Mariah remembers they’re still holding hands. She hates that she can’t bring herself to let it go.

“Did you get my texts?” Tessa asks, then. Mariah looks up. Tessa is staring at her, her eyes both scared and hopeful.

“I did.” She says, simply.

“Okay.”

Silence.

“Do you think we can see each other after I get out of here?” Tessa’s voice is so small, almost pleading.

Mariah sighs. She cannot bear to even look at her.

“I don’t know, Tessa.”

Mariah doesn’t know if it’s a curse or a blessing when a doctor enters the bedroom then and starts asking Tessa a succession of question. _Has she been awake long? How is she feeling? Can she rate her pain from 1 to 10? Is she feeling dizzy or nauseous?_

“I’ll go warn Noah you’re awake, okay?” Mariah says as the doctor starts to examine her. Tessa just nods, smiling through teary eyes and resigns herself to the defeat.

//

Mariah leaves the room and - eventually - the hospital, her heart sore yet relieved, and she drags her feet to GC Buzz. The afternoon goes by in a blur, fast-paced and dizzying. Mariah can’t focus on anything, lost in her own thoughts.

She goes back home completely exhausted that night. Goes straight to bed after texting Sharon not to count on her for dinner.

//

She’s woken up the next morning by the sound of her phone buzzing on the bedside table. She briefly wonders what time it is, if she forgot to put on an alarm, and if it is Hilary calling to _kindly_ tell her to get her ass to GC Buzz ASAP. She remembers she doesn’t have to work until later that night.

She reaches for her phone, her eyes hardly open. Noah.

“Allo?”

“Mariah? You’re awake?”

“I am now... Barely. What’s up?”

“I’m at the hospital with Tessa and-”

“Is she okay?” Mariah seats up in bed, heart-rate picking up.

“Yes, no, of course! No, no I’m just there to visit before my shift.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Listen, I was wondering if you were free this afternoon to pick up Tessa from the hospital and make sure she makes it home safely. I have to be at the Tower all afternoon and all evening and I don’t know, I don’t really want her to just get into a cab home, you know? What if she feels dizzy or something after the concussion.”

“Erm…” Mariah is taking it all in, focusing on grasping all the information her brother is giving her in her half-asleep state.

“And I thought it’d be good if it were you who did it, I think she’d like that.”

Mariah registers the request; realizes it’s probably taking her way too long to answer.

“Mariah?”

“Yes, yes, of course I’ll take her home. I mean, to your place. I don’t work this afternoon, so…”

“Okay, great. That’s great. She’s getting discharged at 2pm, do you think you could make it by then?”

They arrange the last details before hanging up.

//

Mariah gets to the hospital at 2pm sharp. When she gets to the main hall, Tessa is signing some paper at the reception desk. Mariah can’t help but notice the way Tessa is holding herself as she moves around, slowly and carefully, and her heart flares in concern when she sees her stumble momentarily. Mariah is by her side swiftly, a hand hovering over the small of her back. She wants to make sure Tessa gets home in one piece.

She watches her sign the last bit of paperwork. The skin under her eyes is still purple, and when Mariah studies the curve of her jawline, she notices that it’s beginning to bruise purple to match, all the way up to her temple. She notices all the marks of the accident, sees the split in her lip, the short row of stitches under her chin. Mariah can’t tear her eyes away. She wonders if the universe will ever allow her to stop caring about Tessa. Or stop loving her, at least.

The car ride is fairly silent, as Tessa soon realizes than Mariah is prone to mostly answer any question with yes or no. Mariah isn’t trying to be rude, but she cannot let her barrier break down completely again; she’s been working hard on trying to get her life back. Making herself emotionally open to Tessa won’t exactly help with that.

Mariah helps Tessa out of the car after she pulls up next to her brother’s building - next to _his and Tessa’s_. She stays right next to her, their bodies touching - a protective arm wrapped around her back, a gentle hand guiding her forward - as they make their way in, ride the elevator in silence, and finally reach their destination.

Mariah hasn’t visited Noah very often, she realizes now. She has been to his place maybe a couple of times only, sometimes just in passing. She still remembers a time when it was very much a bachelor pad, so it feels weird, seeing Tessa move around like it is her place. And it is. _Her_ place.

In spite of being obviously in pain, Tessa moves so easily around the flat, and Mariah finds herself daydreaming about a domestic life with her. She had gotten a taste of it that summer, when they had been living together at the ranch. She wonders if sometimes Tessa thinks about it, too. About a life together. A life with _her_ , instead of Noah. What would happen, if they only allowed themselves the freedom to love each other. Tessa has no particular material attachment. They would probably spend all their evenings at the ranch at first, in the safety of Mariah’s room - wrapped in blankets and each other - until one day, Mariah might quietly suggest that, maybe, they could get their own place.

“Can I get you anything?” Tessa brings her out of her reverie. “A coffee, tea?”

“I’m fine, thanks.”

“A juice? A glass of water?” Tessa adds, insistent, her tone pleading. “Something to eat?”

“No, thank you. I should probably go anyway. Now that I know you’re… home and safe.”

“Wait.”

Mariah sighs, can feel Tessa’s insistence and knows that she is just stalling, trying to buy some time again. Trying to reach out to her, in any way she can, desperate to stay in her company as long as possible, desperate to keep her there, with her.

“Tessa…”

“No, _please_. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.”

They stand in silence for a beat too long.

“I think we talked plenty last time you came to talk to me and honestly, I don’t think there’s anything more to say.”

Tessa studies her for a moment, and Mariah fights the urge to squirm. Tessa opens her mouth as if to say something, but she doesn’t.

“So, anyway I’ll just g-”

“I’m gonna break up with him.”

It’s like a punch to her stomach, and it’s Mariah’s time to remain speechless. She hasn’t heard it correctly, has she?

“What?”

“It’s just- it’s not fair. Not fair to him, to- stay like this. To be with him when I feel…”

Mariah stares at her in disbelief, daring her to finish that sentence. The air thickens between them and Mariah feels frozen in place, waiting for something to happen. She’s the one the break the silence eventually.

“Do you mean it? You’re going to break up with Noah?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“Soon.”

Mariah breathes in slowly. Tries to settle her face into neutrality, to pretend that she doesn’t notice the weight of the implications. She feels a grin start to break out across her face, and tries desperately to suppress it.

“I just need to… find the time, to do it properly. And figure out… where to go next.”

Mariah blinks in confusion, reels back a little. “Wait, you’re leaving?”

“No, I mean- I need to figure out where to stay. Find a place in town.”

Silence stretches between them again. Mariah doesn’t dare say anything. Doesn’t know where this is going. Part of her is hopeful, for what it could mean but somehow Tessa’s face remains somber and sad and she thinks that maybe, _maybe_ this isn’t a new chance at all.

“What-” Mariah stops in her tracks, not sure how to phrase her thoughts. “So, what do you mean to say? Do you… Can we…”

Tessa is staring at her, her eyes big and teary and oh how Mariah wishes she would just jump in and say something already.

“Do you want us to be together?” Mariah says finally, barely above a whisper.

Tessa breaks eye contact. Mariah can add up the signs well enough – she’s not stupid – and what the signs point to is that it is _not going well_.

“I meant what I said that day,” Tessa looks back up as she says this. “About us, not being together. This isn’t about Noah.”

Mariah’s face falls, as though she’d secretly been hoping for reassurances rather than confirmation of her fears. There it is, again, she thinks. The same old bullshit. She closes her eyes as she breathes in slowly, trying to remain calm. She is failing.

“I am. So. Tired. Of this, Tessa.”

“I’m sorry, but-”

“You care too much about me, you can’t risk it, bla. bla. bla. Honestly, just stop!”

“You don’t understand…”

“Is it because I’m a girl?” Mariah asks, and she hates how she feels her voice breaking and her eyes well up already. “Are you… ashamed?”

“No! No, Mariah. It’s nothing like that, not at all.” In two painful strides, Tessa finds herself right next to her; looks at Mariah like she cannot bear to hurt her. She tries to reach out for her but Mariah flinches away.

“I’m just. I’m scared.” Tessa says, her voice breaking. “About people, from my past. From my time in Chicago. And I’m scared about them coming after me and coming after the people in my life, the people I love. And I felt that Noah, they wouldn’t touch him. They wouldn’t go after a Newman. But it’s different with you,” Tessa explains, voice thick with emotion, tears threatening to spill. Tessa reaches out a tentative hand again; it wraps around Mariah’s wrist gently. “And you’re a woman, too. And these men… you don’t know what they do. Honestly, Mariah, you have no, no idea.”

They stare at each other. Tessa seems to shake with adrenaline, her face a mix of desperation, fear and sadness, and for the first time since they’ve been talking about their feelings Mariah feels that Tessa is finally telling it like it is. At least, she now feels that maybe she _understands_ . She may not agree but she _gets_ it.

“Why don’t you go see the police? I can come with you!” Mariah butts in suddenly. What Tessa is suggesting - implying - cannot be the only solution, can it? There has to be _something_ they can do.

“And say what? That I’m scared they could hurt me? Hurt people around me? I have no proof, it’s all… it’s all speculation, there’s nothing they can do about it.”

“Like you said, it’s all _what ifs_ , Tessa. These people, they may never come for you!”

“But they could.” Tessa stares at her with wide, earnest eyes, and Mariah can do nothing but stare right back miserably, though she feels every particle of herself riot against it.

“So what, you’re going to live your whole life in fear? Giving up on love, on your- your happiness for things that could never happen? That’s not living, Tessa!”

Tessa doesn’t say anything to that. Mariah stares into soft eyes, searching for - well, something. She feels Tessa’s hands tighten around her wrist. Mariah has the feeling she is losing the battle.

“I’m can’t risk you,” Tessa finally whispers, tentatively, eyes wide and red and begging Mariah to understand.

“Shouldn’t I be the one deciding on that?”

The silence swallows them. Mariah begs her silently as they hold each other’s gaze. She is playing her last cards, she knows it.

“I’m sorry.” A tear rolls down Tessa’s cheek. Mariah feels her heart turn over and sink like a stone.

“No, _I_ ’m sorry.”

They stand and stare at each other for a moment, and Mariah feels the emotion beginning to build in the back of her throat. She tries to repress it – but it’s so much harder these days, when she’s grown so used to feeling. When _Tessa_ has made her feel so much. She has to look away.

She doesn’t want to cry again; she needs to get out of here. To get away from Tessa who, she finally reasons, is hurting just as much as she is. She grabs her bag and rolls her scarf back around her neck and she sees Tessa watch her out of the corner of her eyes.

“You take care of yourself, okay?” Mariah says as her chin trembles and a lone tear runs down her cheek.

Tessa smiles at her, soft and fond, and Mariah feels a unavoidable swell in her chest. She tries to dab her eyes discreetly with the sleeve of her coat; but Tessa notices her tears. She is crying too.

Tessa reaches for her then, tentatively – hoping somehow, still, that this will all be okay. She winces in pain as her arms wrap around Mariah; desperate for one last touch, Mariah can only hug her back, barely holding her so as not to cause any more pain to her already sore body. They just stand there in each other's arms for a while. Mariah knows it will never be enough.

As she is about to pull away, Mariah hears “Maybe someday we can be friends again.”

Mariah smiles through her tears. “Maybe one day we can be more.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it and if you decide to leave a comment, know that you're making my day :)


	3. Mariah & Tessa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, AGAIN, this won't be the final chapter. I know I say that every time, but the story ends up having a life of its own haha. Anyway right now I'm planning on 4 chapters! But we'll see.
> 
> This is again a very long chapter, but I assume most people won't mind that. I really hope you like it! This one is less angsty! :)
> 
> OH, and before I forget. This is the inspiration for Tessa's outfit:  
> http://ashdo.tumblr.com/post/169397736884/galgadotsource-gal-gadot-attends-the-varietys  
> And here is the inspiration for Mariah's outfit:  
> http://www.hawtcelebs.com/camryn-grimes-daytime-emmy-awards-nominee-reception-los-angeles-04262017/

It takes a while for the reality of the situation to set in, for Mariah to register that Tessa _actually_ loves her; that this is the reason she is planning on breaking up with Noah. Tessa _wants_ her, too. Yet here they are. It all sets in that same night, as she gets into the shower. She stands there, her face under the spray, and tries to wash herself away —wishes she could just dissolve down the drain. Her heart continues to ache. The enormity of it makes her weak in the knees and she has to hold onto the shower wall to stay upward. She thinks she dozes off, or zones out of herself completely, though she couldn’t say for how long.

The next few days are difficult. Sometimes, the very idea that she could actually, concretely _be with_ Tessa if only Tessa’s fears were to be assuaged drags an invisible knife through her chest. She calls in sick once; cannot even bear the idea of getting out of bed that day, let alone get out of the house.

Soon, however, the pain subdues a little, as Mariah feels loved, if only that. She comforts herself however she can, telling herself that she is just like the heroines in those romantic books she used to devour in secret as a teen, hidden away behind the covers with a flashlight. _Star-crossed lovers, maybe that’s what they are_.

She doesn’t celebrate her birthday this year. She doesn’t feel like it. She doesn’t want to see anyone. Sharon is not feeling festive either anyway, still sore and bitter from Scott’s recent affair with Abby. So they just have a quiet night in, just the two of them. They watch _The holidays_ on TV and contemplate their failed love lives in silence. Mariah receives a few texts, calls and messages. Among them is one from Tessa.

[Happy birthday Mariah. As always, I have no right to write to you, but if I can’t find an excuse on your birthday then I never will! I won’t send you more messages, don’t worry. At least that’s not my intention. I just want to wish you the absolute best, because you are. The absolute best. Please never change. All my love, T]

Mariah reads the message several times, quickly at first, then slowly, dragging her eyes over each and every word.

“What are you smiling at?” Mariah looks up to find Sharon staring, a curious eyebrow arched as she munches on a handful of popcorn.

Mariah didn’t know she was; _smiling_. “It’s uh- it’s nothing.”

Sharon doesn’t push, though Mariah knows she didn’t buy into her lie.

//

She hears _the news_ from Sharon about ten days later, as she comes back from work one night.

“Noah called. He said he and Tessa are no longer together.”

Mariah feigns surprise.

“Really? Do you know what happened?”

“I’m not sure. He didn’t say anything specific, but he seemed so happy with her only a few weeks ago...”

“So… you think she broke up with him, or…?” Mariah asks cautiously, wanting to look interested without drawing any suspicion. Sharon looks at her in a way that makes her feel like she knows exactly _why_ she is prying.

“Well, I would guess so. Have you talked to Tessa recently?”

Mariah’s face turns into a grimace. There’s no point hiding this from her, she reasons.

“Yeah… a few weeks ago, after the accident.”

“Really? You didn’t tell me?”

“There was nothing to tell, really.” Mariah starts, not quite looking her in the eyes. “She told me she wanted to break up with him because she felt she was being unfair to him. But she doesn’t want to be with me either, so...”

“She doesn’t…?” Sharon looks at her expectantly, like she doesn’t quite believe it.

“It’s- it’s complicated.” Mariah looks down, not sure how else to explain what’s happening without betraying Tessa. Isn’t sure either why she still feels the need to protect her.

Sharon says nothing for a while as she processes what Mariah has just told her. She seems to take a moment to collect herself, before she adds: “Be careful, Mariah, okay? I know you love her, but apparently there’s a lot this girl is hiding. I don’t want you to get hurt. Or for Noah to get hurt even more.”

Mariah can hear the concern in Sharon’s voice. She knows that herself, _knows_ that Sharon is right. Yet hearing her talk about Tessa like this makes Mariah want to tell her to _mind her own business_ , tell her she doesn’t know Tessa like _she_ does. That she is just projecting her own failed relationship with Scott onto hers and Tessa’s. She wishes the conversation could be over, finds that talking about it isn’t really helping at all.

“I told you, she doesn’t want to be with me. Noah won’t ever know, and I won’t get hurt either. At least not more than I already am.” She adds, her tone short despite herself.

Sharon looks at her like maybe she is hiding something, and Mariah wishes Sharon was right. Wishes there was something to hide.

“Okay, well, you know what you’re doing.”

“I’m not doing anything, but yes.”

That night, she stalks Tessa extra hard on social media. Wants to find out where she is, what she is doing. She wonders if she is thinking of her, too.

//

Tessa gets the keys to her new apartment on a Tuesday night. She breaks up with Noah the next morning. She explains that _she is sorry, that after so long she feels that she should be feeling more, but she doesn’t. That she never meant to hurt him. That she really cares about him but not like he does her, and that it’s not fair to him._ She leaves Mariah out of the equation altogether.

She doesn’t tell him she already has a place figured out. She lets him think she will book a hotel room for a few days instead, before finding a place of her own. She feels guilty at the thought of her own deception, but she’s been burnt too many times and feels she cannot afford to take any risks. Her heart breaks a little when, as sweet and considerate as he’s always been, he tells her she could probably crash at the ranch until she finds something. She doesn’t answer at first, her stomach dropping at the thought that he is actually trying to be nice and _help her_. She tells him that she doesn’t feel his mom and sister would want to host her after that. He doesn’t need to know the _actual_ reason.

The flat is pretty small, but it’s infinitely better than everything she was used to living in when she was in Chicago. More importantly, it’s _her own_. For the first time ever, Tessa is able to afford a place of her own, to support herself and have a decent - _good_  - life. A nice one-bedroom flat by the river, healthy food on the table, gas in the tank, trendy clothes in her wardrobe. She still cannot quite believe she gets to be so lucky. She wishes she knew where Crystal was, wishes she could have shielded her from all she had to go through. Crystal could have lived here, with her. They could have shared the bed or could have used the convertible couch in the living room until eventually, Crystal got a decent job and found a flat, too. Or they could have moved into something bigger.

On a day off, Tessa drives to IKEA and for the first time in her life, she gets to buy nice things for the house. She buys fluffy throws, cushions - light pink for the bedroom and yellow for the living room - nice frames and countless plants. She buys pots and pans and a nice set of tea cups. A towel, bed sheets, a lamp and a doormat. She feels like a child in a candy house.

At night, tucked in her new linen sheets, Tessa thinks about Mariah. Thinks about how she is one of the greatest things to ever happen to her, about how she has never loved Mariah quite as much as she loves her now, finally free to _really_ think about her, to daydream about meeting her unexpectedly at Crimson Lights, free to look at her without restraint like she is the most beautiful thing she has ever seen; she _is_.

One day, she does end up seeing her at the café on a cold morning where Tessa really needs some caffeine to start her routine. She stops in her tracks as she spots her near the counter, talking excitedly to Sharon about something she cannot quite make out.

Mariah seems to carry herself differently —that’s the first thing Tessa notices. Before the accident and before their final talk, Mariah had alternated between a defensive, standoffish confidence and looking tired or broken down; Tessa feels her stomach churn unpleasantly every time she thinks about that time. But there is something new about her now, Tessa thinks. She seems a little brighter, a little happier.

They don’t see an awful lot of each other, though —not as much as Tessa would like, at least. They mostly see each other in passing, say “ _hi, how are_ you” before going their own ways. But Mariah seems to be getting better, and Tessa wants nothing more than to be happy for her. She _is_ happy for her, she supposes. Is happy that Mariah smiles more easily, but somehow she can’t help but resent not being part of this happiness.

She wonders if she should be glad that Mariah is doing fine without her, if she should just be thankful that she hasn’t completely ruined Mariah’s life. She thinks maybe she is being selfish again and doesn’t love Mariah quite as she should, but then decides that that can’t possibly be the case —knows that she loves Mariah just as much as a person can love another.

It's not all bad, she supposes, this new distance between them. She enjoys being able to see Mariah in passing or from afar, without having to worry about her. She’s always felt responsible for her, in some way; responsible for putting her in harm’s way. She finds herself sleeping a little more easily because of it, too.

//

The end of January is fairly busy for Tessa. She has to get ready for this local award-show she has to attend early February. Devon has been negotiating all month so that she can perform a new song from her EP that night on stage, and she doesn’t want to let him down.

She and the guy from the wardrobe department - Joe, a _very flamboyant_ young man -  get sent to some weird warehouse one afternoon, where she meets a bunch of designers who advertise their work and a few options for evening wear. She wants to ask Joe for advice - it’s Tessa’s very first award show, after all - but he seems more interested in his ice-latte and instagram feed, so Tessa decides to follow her instinct and go for a bright pink tailored suit over a deep-red bustier with a plunging neckline.

The afternoon of the event, they all - Devon, his assistants, Joe, the PR lady, the designer and make-up artists - meet in a hotel’s suite Devon has booked for the occasion. There, she gets prepped, physically _and_ mentally, for the big night. It takes an inconsiderable amount of time for the makeup guy to be done with her. Tessa didn’t know so much makeup could even fit on her face.

“You’ll probably have to give a few brief interviews on the red carpet before the show,” Devon tells her as he brings her a coffee with a straw. She eyes the straw suspiciously at first, then realizes they probably don’t want her to ruin her makeup already. “These things are always the same you’ll see. They’ll ask you to talk briefly about the EP, will probably ask you who you’re wearing or if it’s your first award-show…”

“Cool.” Tessa answers, slightly terrified by the whole ordeal. She stares at the straw hanging from her cup. She has never drunk coffee from a straw before.

“It’ll be fine. I’ll be around, too, so no worries. Oh! And we arranged for a longer interview with GC-Buzz, too.”

“GC-Buzz will be there?”

“Of course, this type of events is their bread and butter, really. Tonight is one of the main events in Genoa this year, they wouldn’t miss it. Don’t think you’ll be dealing with Mariah for the interview, though. It’s a red carpet event and Hilary just _lives_ for that stuff…”

Tessa chuckles, both disappointed and relieved at Devon’s admission. Mariah will be there though, right? She has to be. Tessa figures maybe she’ll spot her in the crowd on the red carpet, or at a table during the show; wonders what she’ll be wearing…

For the next couple of hours, as the team makes its way down the lobby, as they ride the limo to the event, as Tessa eventually steps out and onto that red carpet, she daydreams of chance encounters.

//

Tessa first spots Mariah from afar on the red carpet. She is wearing a tight red dress with a plunging V-neck and bare shoulders. Tessa finds her absolutely stunning. Later, she is on her way to the ladies’ room before the show starts when they almost run into each other. Tessa’s breath momentarily catches in her throat as she finally sees her from up close. _You look amazing_ , she wants to say, but she knows better now.

“Hi,” Tessa says. She knows she sounds out of breath.

“Hi!” They pause and smile awkwardly at each other; _not a bad awkward_ , Tessa thinks.

“This, this is a great look on you. That suit, it’s uh- very fitting. And cool!” Mariah smiles again, genuinely this time. Tessa’s heart skips a beat at the view.

“Thanks, I, uh. I tried. You, I mean, you look…” Tessa gestures awkwardly at Mariah, feels herself blushing. She tries not to stare too hard, fails miserably. “You look beautiful.”

A few seconds pass with both of them not really knowing what to do with themselves.

“So, I’ll just… Good luck, for tonight!” Mariah says eventually.

“Thanks!”

Mariah squeezes her hand briefly and she’s gone. Tessa looks down at the hand in question, shocked at the affectionate gesture. She hopes her palm wasn’t too sweaty. She looks back up, her eyes following Mariah as she heads back to her table.

As she performs on stage that night, the spotlights - bright and hot on her - plunge most of the audience into darkness; but she still sees her, at table on the left, not too far from the stage. She spots her hair first, vibrant among a crowd of mostly blondes and brunettes. Once she sees her she cannot help but look in her direction every chance she gets. She sees Mariah staring right back, a proud smile on her face, the way she’s always looked at Tessa when she sings. Mariah’s smile fuels her and she feels that she is singing better than she has in months.

//

After she is done performing and her nerves have calmed down, Tessa can finally relax and enjoy the evening; or so she thinks. She soon realizes that award shows are actually boring as hell. There’s only so many times she can refresh her Instagram or Twitter feed, so she gladly accepts the free alcohol provided to her in abundance to try and pass the time. She is careful not to overdo it; she doesn’t want to barf or embarrass herself at her first award show… Out of the corner of her eyes, she can see Devon looking bored out of his mind, too. He is either checking his watch or his phone, repeatedly.

“So, when are we finally free to go home?” she ends up asking him, taking another sip from her glass of - very expensive – red wine.

“Home? Not so fast, young lady, you need to check out your first after-party before that.”

“There’s an after party?”

Looking up from his phone, Joe looks at her like she might possibly be the dumbest person he has ever met.

Devon chuckles at her comment. “Of course, there’s an after party! It’s just a regular party, you’ll see, with the exception that everyone is famous or rich or with a lot of contacts, and that drinks are often free, as well as many other substances that you don’t want to try…”

“Noted. And where are we going?”

“Usually they privatize a club not too far from here. The limo will take us there. I’ll ask Hilary if she and Mariah want to join and ride with us.”

Tessa simply nods, trying to look unaffected; her night is far from over and for all intent and purposes, she’ll probably be in Mariah’s company for part of it. She hopes it goes well; thinks it might, given their most recent encounter earlier that night. Tessa might be able to ease them back into some form a friendly acquaintance-ship, or so she hopes.

“How long still?” she asks, ready for the night to move along. She wishes she could at least observe Mariah from afar from where she is seating, but they are on opposite sides of the room.

“Almost an hour still, I think.”

“Ugh.” Tessa resigns herself, and takes another sip; liquid courage for later.

//

Mariah barely has time to react or say anything when the show ends, as Hilary rushes her out of the room and leads her out the building promptly. She tries to catch up to her, her steps uneasy with the high heels and tight dress she is wearing. She makes out bits of sentences like “Devon will be waiting”, “limo to get there”, “Club Punta Cana”.

Mariah hadn’t necessarily planned on going anywhere after the show. She had only come for work in the first place, wasn’t particularly interested in attending these types of things anyway. She wasn’t in a party mood either. She had thought that after the show she’d forgo the after party and catch an Uber, go home to take off her heels and dress, remove her makeup and crawl into bed to fall asleep while catching up on _Project Runway_. Clearly that isn’t what Hilary had in mind for her.

She stands in the cold with Hilary for about two minutes, arms crossed, coat and scarf hanging loosely from her shoulders.

“The fuck are they doing,” she hears Hilary mutter under her breath next to her, when an black limo eventually comes into view and stops right in front of them. Following Hilary inside, Mariah bends down and steps in only to find half a dozen people already crammed in there, half drunk and holding flutes of sparkling yellow liquid that she can only assume is champagne. Among them is Tessa, holding a glass herself, her eyes never leaving Mariah’s as she settles across from her and next to Hilary.

Tessa looks a bit drunk too. Mariah can see it in the glossiness of her eyes and the light rose tinge on her cheeks, reminiscent of times they had spent sharing a bottle of wine over at the Underground or at the ranch. Mariah is a bit drunk herself —isn’t that what tends to happen at this type of events, anyway? She holds Tessa’s gaze briefly, intense and unwavering. It’s been so long since Tessa has dared to look at her like that. The last time Mariah felt like this was that summer morning when, in response to Mariah’s insecurities, Tessa had proceeded to tell her how amazing she was. Mariah remembers those same eyes, dark and focused, staring right through her; so much so that Mariah had remained there, transfixed, holding her breath for what might happen next. It’s been six months, she thinks; half a year. Mariah hadn’t recognized how much she had missed it; hadn’t, in fact, even realized it was missing, until this moment.

She suddenly feels as though it is too warm in the car. She avoids her eyes and wonders if she needs another drink or if she should stop drinking altogether for the night.

She remains silent for the entire car ride to the club, figures people around her are being loud enough, filling the car with drunk and buzzing energy. When she feels brave enough, she looks up at Tessa, so beautiful in her pink suit, and her eyes follow a journey of their own. She knows she is staring, but cannot quite help herself.

//

The club is nearly empty when they arrive, but soon a crowd of what she assumes are rich and influential people is filling the place. This isn’t Mariah’s first after-party. She knows the ropes, the reality - and the dangers - of a place like this. She sees Tessa, eyes dazed and appreciative, and she sees the men, too, with a far different glimmer in the eye. _Tessa is a big girl_ , she repeats silently to herself. _She can take care of herself, she is single and she doesn’t owe Mariah anything; doesn’t owe anyone anything_. There’s a curious, wrenching sensation in Mariah’s chest, and she can’t quite tell if it’s worry or jealousy.

Devon books a booth with a magnum of champagne for the whole crew - Mariah had almost forgotten how filthy rich he is - and they all take a seat around the table. She doesn’t know who pushes for it exactly, but she ends up sitting right next to Tessa, shoulders touching, practically thigh against thigh. Once she’s there, though, she has absolutely no idea what to say. She stares straight ahead, politely smiling at who she can only assume are the people working with Devon and Tessa, desperately trying to forget about the girl sitting right next to her.

The music is loud, deafening in Mariah’s ears, yet the conversation in the booth halts to a vague murmur as half of their table is soon up on the dancefloor or at the bar; Devon and Hilary remain engrossed in each other on the other side of the booth. She sees Tessa straighten up a little out of the corner of her eyes, and Mariah can only take another sip from her glass, eyes focused on anything but Tessa. Tessa seems to understand her need to maintain the quiet balance of the moment, and doesn’t speak either. She just sits there a while, waiting.

“Are you feeling better, by the way?” Mariah blurts out eventually, still avoiding to look directly at Tessa.

“I’m sorry?”

A frown appears on Tessa’s face, and Mariah realizes they can barely hear each other over the music. She leans in a little closer, catching a whiff of Tessa’s perfume in the process.

“Are you feeling a little better? After the accident? You look fine but I thought I’d ask…”

“Oh, yeah. I’m feeling much better.” Tessa is so close, her mouth almost pressed against her ear and Mariah takes yet another sip, dealing with this however she can. She looks up, sees Tessa gazing back at her with soft eyes.

“Good, good. It’s uh- it would suck if you were still in pain.”

“I just got very lucky.” Tessa stares at her so intently that Mariah has to look away – this feels too close, too intimate.

Time stretches then, so does the silence between them.

“So, where do you live now? Did you find a place to stay since you…” Mariah doesn’t finish that sentence.

“I did, yeah. I’ve found a little flat downtown, by the river. It’s nowhere near as big as Noah’s pla- as where I lived before, but I really like it there.”

“That’s nice.” Mariah nods, takes a sip of her drink again; notices that if she keeps drinking like this she’ll soon need a second one. She tries to keep some distance between them, though she and Tessa haven’t moved further apart from each other even though the booth is now half empty.

“You could come and see it one day, if you wanted.”

Mariah just chuckles awkwardly, not sure what to answer to that.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…  I’m sorry I didn’t mean to be... flirty or…”

“It’s okay, it’s fine. Don’t worry.”

“I’m just- I’m very happy that you’re talking to me again. I don’t mean to push too hard or to be insensitive.” Tessa is looking at her, eyes soft and earnest. Not sure what to say, Mariah just nods.

“And I also wanted to thank you,” Tessa adds after a while, “After everything that’s happened… You just always have my back, somehow, even when I don’t deserve it. And I know things are weird now, between us, and that’s mostly my fault, but I just… It means a lot. _You_ mean a lot.”

Mariah is silent for a long moment. She can’t hear much over the loud music, but she can feel the beating of her own heart thumping in her ears, in her chest, and the room begins to waver a little. Tessa remains silent too, staring at her like she is the only one in the room.

“Hi, I’m sorry to bother you but you’re Tessa Porter, right?”

They both turn towards the intruder, a tall young man in a suit. Attractive enough, Mariah supposes. He must be around their age, maybe; put together and successful, probably.

“I’m Nathan, I work for GC Social? The TV channel?”

“Yeah, of course. Hi!” Tessa just says, taken aback. She not quite used to being recognized, Mariah reasons. Not quite used to having… _fans_.

“I love what you do! We’re starting to negotiate for the rights to bring you on one of our music shows.”

“Really? That’s awesome!”

Mariah stirs her drink a little, takes another sip.

“Do you mind if I come and sit with you girls for a bit?”

Mariah feels the bile rising at the back of her throat. She looks at Tessa who’s looking back at her, her mouth open, clearly not sure what to say or how to proceed. Before she’s quite aware of it, Mariah is out of her seat and she sets her glass back on the table with a loud _clink_. There is nothing in her mind but the desperate knowledge that she doesn’t want to be the third wheel in this little arrangement; that she _cannot_ bear the thought of it.

“I’m sorry but we were about to go dance a little.” Mariah says, eyes on Tessa, insistent. Tessa looks at her in surprise, before nodding along.

“Uh, yeah. I’m sorry, we were.” Mariah grabs Tessa’s hand as she stands up, already dragging her towards the dancefloor.

“Oh, okay. No problem. Maybe later?” Nathan just says hesitantly, shouting a little over the loud music. Tessa nods hurriedly, politely. She lets herself be led by the hand, following Mariah in tow.

Once in the middle of the crowd, Mariah feels stupid. Tessa’s hand still in hers, she realizes what a terrible mistake this is. She feels her heart hammering against her chest, unrelenting. She knows she should go find people from their group; make this harmless, innocent. But as they face each other, bodies close in the sea of people around them, she cannot ignore the way Tessa is looking at her. Mariah feels a bit dizzy, cannot tell if she feels buzzed from all the drinking, from Tessa’s eyes on her or from how nervous she feels; maybe a combination of the three.

Though she looks as hesitant as Mariah, Tessa slowly catches her other hand as she begins to sway to the music, pulling her even closer. Mariah moves forward, allows Tessa to entwine their fingers as they start dancing. Mariah relaxes a little as time passes. Tessa flashes her a smile and Mariah feels herself smile back, eyes never quite meeting hers.

The closeness is intoxicating and Mariah fights to keep her eyes open. They get yet closer as people keep pushing and stumbling around them. Tessa’s hands find their way to her hips, to her waist, and Mariah’s arms wrap around Tessa’s neck on their own accord. She lets her eyes fall shut, head bowing down, her cheek almost brushing against Tessa’s. Mariah momentarily forgets herself, flushed against Tessa. Forgets where she is, how she should behave. Only remembers _who_ she is with. She wraps her arms tighter at the back of Tessa’s neck, breathes her in slowly. She feels Tessa’s nose grazing her ear. Mariah’s breath hitches, stuck at the back of her throat. She feels Tessa’s hand rise up her back, reaching the bare skin of her shoulder blades. Then, Tessa reaches out and tucks a strand of hair back into place, lets her fingers linger.

Mariah can feel Tessa’s chest heaving, so close to her own. She knows their faces are mere inches apart, knows that she could just turn her head to the side and her mouth would find Tessa’s. All she wants to do is lean in and kiss her. But she is not drunk enough that she doesn’t know where she is, not reckless enough to forget that _she can’t_ ; that she _shouldn’t_. Suddenly, this is too much and Mariah takes a tumbling step backward, disentangles from Tessa.

“I’m sorry,” she says under her breath as she walks away from the dance-floor, away from _her_. She doesn’t look back.

//

Tessa watches Mariah retreat, walk away from her. Her eyes follow her through the crowd until she can’t see her anymore. Tessa feels frozen in place for a few seconds, before she follows in her direction, not sure what she is doing or what her plan is. She just knows she feels out of place in this unfamiliar crowd, knows she longs to be with Mariah. Just be close to her.

Her feet take her to one side of the room. She looks around quickly, not sure where Mariah went. She spots a flash of red by the ladies’ room and decides to try her luck.

She opens the door and plants herself in the doorway. The room is empty but for Mariah.

When she hears the door open, Mariah looks up from where she is standing in front of a mirror, by the row of sinks attached to the wall. Her eyes find hers instantly. Tessa looks for something to say; anything. She just looks at Mariah, just _looks_ at her. Thinks back to their bodies pressed together on the dancefloor a few minutes ago. Thinks about how she wants to just touch her, to kiss her. Before she can overthinking it, Tessa takes a few strides in her direction and crashes her lips into Mariah’s, hard. Mariah kisses back instantly.

Tessa pushes forward so she is flushed against Mariah, pressing her against the wall behind her. Mariah reaches up and takes Tessa’s face in her hands, pulling her impossibly closer. The kiss is demanding and urgent and entirely unexpected. Tessa feels a muffled moan echo at the back of her throat as they deepen the kiss. Mariah just kisses her, again and again and Tessa knows she is being unfair, knows that they are getting carried away; they always do. Maybe it’s the alcohol, she thinks, maybe it’s the fact that they’re both single, finally, for the first time, but Tessa cannot bring herself to stop, or to even slow down.

Tessa holds Mariah’s hips in a strong grip, fingers digging into the flesh she finds there under that red dress. Mariah pushes her hips forward until they are flush with Tessa’s. Tessa pulls away and moves to kiss Mariah’s cheek, her cheekbone, her jaw. She grazes her lips against her ear and then down her neck, sucks on the skin she finds there. Mariah’s hips buck involuntarily in response. She feels Mariah exhales heavily, her breath hot on her neck, and Tessa feels herself standing on wobbly legs. Mariah latches onto the lapels of her jacket before her hands find their ways inside, brushing against her sides over the thin fabric of her bustier. Tessa’s lips find their way back to Mariah’s, eagerly.

A group of women in their thirties enter the room a few seconds later and Tessa and Mariah jump apart in a heartbeat. The women don’t even spare them a glance as they continue to chat excitedly and make their way into the stalls.

Tessa and Mariah remain side by side facing the mirror, chests heaving and cheeks flushed. Mariah opens the faucet, lets her hand run under the water briefly and dabs at the corner of her mouth with wet fingers. Tessa looks at her own face then, notices the smeared lipstick around her mouth. She looks back at Mariah only to notice shades of her own lipstick adorning the side of her neck. She observes her a while longer, but Mariah _won’t_ look back. Before she can find anything to say, Mariah is rushing toward the door. She wants to go after her, but she cannot find the words to say; doesn’t know what to tell Mariah, what to do. She doesn’t want to lead her on more than she should either, knows she has already overstepped; that in the morning she’ll chastise herself for having once again pounced on Mariah, for not being able to just leave her _alone_.

Tessa still follows her half-heartedly out of the bathroom. Feels like she should explain herself, or at least talk it out. She doesn’t want Mariah to give her the silent treatment again.

“Mariah…” She tries, hesitantly.

Mariah doesn’t stop; doesn’t respond either. She makes her way to the cloakroom. Tessa follows her, worried she’s pushed too hard. _Again_. She watches helplessly as Mariah asks for her coat and her scarf. She takes a step forward, lays a hesitant hand on Mariah’s bare shoulder.

“Mariah, I’m sorry. You don’t have to g-”

“Come home with me?” Mariah blurts out then, looking her straight in the eye. It feels more like a statement than a question. Tessa stands there, stunned at the implications. She doesn’t know what to say. They stare at each other for a few seconds, until Mariah breaks eye contact.

“You know what- forget it.”

“No wait! Wait, I…” Tessa stutters. God, what is she doing. Mariah looks at her, eyes dark and intense and _hopeful_ and… _Fuck it_ , she thinks. “Okay.”

//

The cab ride is tense and silent.

Mariah throws a glance at Tessa; she is looking out the window. Mariah wonders if this is a monumental mistake. _Come home with me?_ What was she thinking? She wasn’t, _thinking_ , that’s the problem. Tessa had once again managed to sweep her off her feet with a kiss —though it was definitely _not_ just a regular kiss, Mariah argues with herself; Tessa had pushed her against a wall and really gone for it, and she had reciprocated with the same intensity. Mariah is just tired of this cat and mouse game. She knows she wants Tessa, knows she actually _wants her_ like that, and if Tessa is too chickenshit to own up to her own feelings and actually take the bull by the horns - so to speak - then Mariah will do it for her. So what if it makes things worse afterward? As far as Mariah is concerned, things are bad enough as they are, so what if it is a bit more or a bit less… If she can have Tessa like this - in her bed, naked, underneath or on top of her, preferably both - even just once, then Mariah will take it. She will just take, and take as much as she can, until she cannot. And then she’ll deal with all the rest afterwards. She also owes it to herself to just… try it once, she thinks. With a woman. With Tessa, who is a woman she is attracted to. A woman she _loves_. And maybe she won’t like it? Maybe it’ll be a revelation and Mariah will know that nope, she doesn’t “roll that way” and she can… move on, from this absurd infatuation with her previous best friend.

Mariah’s thoughts are interrupted by a hand finding its way into her own. She looks down at their joined hands, then up at Tessa who’s looking right back. Tessa squeezes once and give Mariah a soft, shy smile. Mariah feels herself getting warm and fuzzy at the sight of that smile alone. Thinks that of course, she’ll love having sex with Tessa; how could she not like it when she just… feels so much when she is just barely holding her hand? When she feels so much more just holding Tessa’s hand than she has felt ever, doing all sorts of stuff with all her previous boyfriends. Unless she fucks it up royally somehow, which is entirely possible. Tessa must sense her inner turmoil, because she asks:

“Are you okay? What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing, nothing.”

Mariah knows Tessa is not convinced. She is not fooling anyone —she has never been a good liar anyway.

They arrive at Tessa’s place shortly after that. Tessa had suggested they go there instead. More private than the ranch. Mariah also thinks that if it all goes terribly wrong, she can just never go back, and won’t have to re-live painful or cringe-worthy memories every time she enters her own bedroom.

The flat is quaint but very cute. Mariah wasn’t expecting any different. She takes her time looking around as she takes off her coat. She notices that Tessa is also taking her time removing her own jacket. Mariah kicks off her heels quickly, her feet killing her, puts her coat on the couch and stands there awkwardly. Tessa comes towering above her, her shoes still on. Mariah suddenly feels incredibly small, bursting at the seams with nervous energy. She feels herself sobering her up instantly. Tessa throws her a concerned look.

“We don’t have to do anything. We can just sleep. Or talk.” She tells her, reassuringly.

“I don’t wanna talk.” Mariah says.

“Okay.”

“I don’t wanna sleep either.”

Tessa just looks at her, uncertain what to do or say. Mariah knows it’s her call. She reaches out and grabs Tessa’s hand, pulls her toward her, heart beating fast. _This is now or never_ , she thinks. She caresses Tessa’s hair, watches Tessa react to her touch, breath hitching. Mariah trails a hand down the side of her neck lightly, down the column of her throat, watches it go down even more, stopping right at the top of her red bustier. She feels Tessa’s heart beating as fast as her own underneath her palm.

“Is that okay?” Mariah asks.

Tessa just nods, looking at her with a mix of emotions that Mariah isn’t sure how to interpret. Doubt, want, fear... love? A bit of everything? Mariah assumes she is looking back at her with the same expression.

“Are you sure?” Mariah asks, worried that she is going too far; worried that she is reading too much or not enough into Tessa’s hesitancy.

“Yes.” Tessa answers, her tone firmer. Tessa reaches out for her then, hands in Mariah’s hair before they settle on the sides of her face, cradling it. Mariah cranes her neck so they’re forehead to forehead as Tessa bows down her head. They breathe each other in slowly, taking in the moment, before Mariah can’t take it anymore and closes the gap between them.

The kiss is nothing like the one they shared earlier that night. If anything, Mariah is taken back to that hotel room in San Francisco, feeling nervous and hesitant. Tessa kisses her back just as softly, once, twice, tongue barely grazing her lips before Mariah opens her mouth slowly to take her in.

Mariah pushes the pink blazer off Tessa’s shoulders, the garment sliding promptly before falling in a heap on the floor. She keeps kissing her, could not stop if she wanted to. Tessa pulls away eventually, bowing her head to slowly kiss the skin of Mariah’s shoulder, then up her neck. Mariah breathes in deeply, reveling in the feeling of Tessa lips on her.

The room is getting warm around her; Mariah feels dizzy - the good kind - and, fueled by Tessa’s ministrations, she starts lowering the zipper she finds at the back of her bustier. As it drops to the floor, she realizes Tessa is not wearing anything underneath.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t-”

“It’s fine.” Tessa tells her, her tone reassuring.

Mariah isn’t sure where to look. She feels very much like an impostor; feels ridiculous at her own reaction to a pair of breasts. Breasts she has thought about, _a lot_ , in the privacy of her own bedroom —and in a couple of daydreams. Breasts she never thought she would actually get to _see_.

Hesitantly, she runs her hands up Tessa’s stomach, warm and toned and soft, doesn’t dare to go much further. But Tessa just holds Mariah’s hands in her own then, and drags them upward slowly until they’re cupping her, nipples hardening against her palms. Mariah knows she must be blushing furiously. She doesn’t have time to overthink it though, as soon Tessa reaches behind her for the zipper of her own dress.

“Can I?” Tessa whispers.

Mariah just nods, not sure her voice would even come out anyway. Tessa’s hand is grazing down her spine as she goes, sending shivers everywhere. Her dress now pooling at her feet, Mariah stands in only her bra and underwear. Tessa kicks off her shoes, finally, leveling herself down to Mariah. Their mouths find each other again, more urgently this time.

Still kissing, Tessa leads them toward what she assumes is the bedroom. They stumble over each other, their lips never parting, and Mariah reaches down to unbutton Tessa’s pants, hands trembling slightly against warm skin. Tessa shimmies out of them awkwardly and they chuckle into the kiss. Tessa maneuvers them backwards until Mariah is tumbling onto the bed and she follows suit, crawling over her on all fours. She hovers over Mariah for a moment and admires her silently. Leaning on her elbows in her black matching set, chest heaving rapidly, Mariah feels both shy and loved under her gaze. Tessa seems unable to look away. She comes forward slowly, moves up to steal a soft kiss.

“You’re so beautiful.” She whispers against Mariah’s lips. Mariah pulls Tessa back to her, deepening the kiss instantly. Tessa’s hand cup her right breast over her bra and Mariah hums into the kiss. Tessa leans down, tastes the skin of her neck, traces her tongue down to her collarbone before she kisses down her chest, right at the top of her bra. She reaches behind Mariah’s back to unhook it, and she arches up to help the process. They discard the bra swiftly and send if flying across the room. Tessa leaves open-mouthed kisses on her breasts, tongue twirling and mouth sucking on an already hardened nipple. Mariah watches with bated breath, more turned on that she’s ever been.

Tessa comes back up to kiss her again, but before she can make sense of what is happening, she is flipped onto her back and Mariah is on top of her, straddling her. It’s Mariah’s turn to take it all in. Tessa’s flushed and rising chest; her parted lips; her small, perfect breasts. Her hands follow the same journey, so do her lips. Hands pining Tessa’s to the bed, fingers entwined, Mariah kisses and kisses, everywhere, desperate to taste every inch of her skin. Tessa’s hands escape Mariah firm grasp, and nails drag softly against her back as Mariah leaves wet kisses along Tessa's naked skin.

She kisses her jaw, then; her neck, as she hears Tessa’s labored breathing in her ear. Her fingers tangle into Mariah’s hair and pull until their mouths are back together. Mariah lowers her body down and Tessa’s legs fall apart to make room for her —she feels them wrap around her hips. They’re still kissing when Tessa says something that she can’t quite make out.

“What?” Mariah holds herself up briefly.

“I want…” Tessa moves Mariah’s hand to the waistband of her red underwear. Mariah looks down at her own hand being led down the length of Tessa’s body, her fingers dipping beneath the elastic.

“Is that okay?” Tessa adds finally.

Mariah nods in the darkness. She slips her hand in, beneath Tessa’s underwear, drags one finger through her and marvels at the wet that she finds. She slowly, achingly explores this part of Tessa, dips in and out, circles around. Tessa’s laboured breathing is hot in her ear. Tessa seeks her mouth for another kiss, and another, as Mariah keeps stroking and caressing and eventually thrusts two fingers into her.

She feels Tessa slip a hand down between them then, and soon Tessa is mirroring her, catching her off guard. Mariah lets out a gasp against Tessa’s mouth, but Tessa claims her lips again and Mariah’s moans are swallowed in the kiss. Tessa uses her free hand to try and shove down Mariah’s panties, just enough that she’s got a little more room. Mariah’s forehead drops to her shoulder and she grinds onto her hand, burrowing her head into the crook of Tessa’s neck. It’s almost too much, Mariah feels, and her arm start to tremble with the effort of holding herself up.

Her struggle is cut short; before she really knows what’s happening, Tessa rolls them over and she is suddenly on her back with Tessa hovering over her. She kisses her way down Mariah’s body urgently. She spreads her thighs gently as she gets lower and lower, runs her hands slowly up her legs, up the inside of her thighs. She leans down to kiss her tummy, the inside of her thighs, before she tugs at the underwear and Mariah’s hips fly up, letting Tessa pull them off.

Mariah feels her heart might burst out her chest any minute. Panting like she has just run a marathon, she looks down in anticipation as Tessa keeps nibbling and sucking on the sensitive flesh on the inside of her thighs. She wonders if Tessa has ever done this before, thinks that maybe she has. Before she can think about this any longer, Tessa drops her head and slowly, achingly so, runs her tongue against her. Mariah’s eyes flutter close at the feeling and she lets her head fall back on the pillow, hands grasping at the sheets. Her grip gets progressively tighter as Tessa licks up and down, in circles, slow then fast. Mariah can’t help arching into her, her hips bucking on their own accords. Her breathing becomes erratic and she feels herself getting closer and closer. She opens her eyes and looks down only to see Tessa, eyes closed, head moving between her legs. Mariah cannot quite believe this is all happening, wonders if she is dreaming and reminds herself that _no_ , that this is definitely very real. Soon the pleasure is almost overwhelming and Mariah really wishes she had drunk a bit less that night; knows she won’t be able to come because of it. She grabs Tessa’s hand, firmly wrapped around her thigh. Tessa looks up.

“Come here,” Mariah tells her in a whisper.

Tessa wipes her chin with the back of her hand and slowly crawls back up, peppering kisses on her way. Mariah pulls her in for a kiss and she tastes herself on Tessa’s tongue. They take their time, the kiss sloppy and slow as Mariah regain her senses. She slips one thigh in between Tessa’s then, and presses against her, canting her hips up to meet hers. Tessa responds in turn, grinding down onto Mariah.

Mariah rolls them over once again, gently pushes Tessa back until she is splayed out before her. She kisses her way down Tessa’s torso, lingering on her breasts. As she goes down, she slowly takes off Tessa’s underwear and positions herself between her thighs.

“You don’t have to do this.” Tessa tells her then, her voice warm and soft.

“I want to.”

Mariah nips at her inner thighs, then soothes the skin with her tongue. Mariah has thought about this moment, has wondered what it would be like. With Tessa. What she would taste like, what sounds she’d make. Wondered if she’d be good at it.

Mariah grabs her thighs, planted on either side of her face, and licks up Tessa’s lips and clit. She revels at the moan that echoes, low in Tessa’s throat; revels at the taste, at the feeling, at the knowledge she is responsible for the sounds coming out of Tessa. She hears more than sees Tessa’s head drop back onto the bed. If this were to happen only once, Mariah wants to enjoy every second of it; wants to take her time. So Mariah explores slowly with her tongue, with her mouth as she feels Tessa writhe and exhale loudly in front of her. She builds up a rhythm eventually, feels Tessa’s legs tremble in response. She figures she must be doing something right. She holds onto it as Tessa’s whimpers get louder, the movement of her hips growing more erratic. Tessa cries out then, her hand flying up to her mouth to muffle the sound. Her body rocks in waves until she goes limp, out of breath. Mariah hoists herself back up and collapses on top of Tessa, who clings to her in the aftermath. She wraps her arms around Mariah as she settles in the crook of Tessa’s neck, kissing her there, their breathing slowly evening out.

Tessa rolls onto her side after a while. Facing Mariah, she seeks her lips again and kisses her, languidly, like they have all night to do this. They _do_ have all night to do this. Hands wandering, soft and slow over burning skin, they lull themselves to the sound of the other’s breathing.

 _I love you_ , Mariah wants to say. The words are in her throat but she can’t let them out. So she loves in silence, head tucked under Tessa’s chin. She takes it all in; the warmth, the happiness, the bliss. The feeling of their naked bodies wrapped in each other. The feeling and taste of Tessa’s skin, the sounds she makes, the way she makes her feel. She knows that the memory of it will never do it justice.

She wants to pretend that this is her life, now. Just for tonight. So she stares a little too hard, and touches for a little too long, just because she can —and because she can’t help herself. Tonight she is Tessa’s and Tessa is hers. Tonight they are just two girls in love; and happy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops! I didn't want to spoil but... yes, the ratings have changed for this chapter! Hope you don't mind it! I hope you liked the chapter, don't hesitate to leave me a review if you did, I love reading them :)


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